1. Only in America.....can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheesebur
Yo mama is like a hockey player, she only showers after three periods.

Yo mama is like a chicken coop, cocks fly in and out all day.

Yo mama has so many teeth missing, that it looks like her tongue is in jail.

Yo mama's mouth is so big that she speaks in surround sound.

Yo mama is so grouchy that the McDonalds she works in doesn't even serve Happy Meals.

You suck... yo mama does too, but she
Q. What do you get if you cross mistletoe and a duck?

A. A Christmas Quacker.



Q. What do call Santa when he stops moving?

A. Santa Pause!



Q. Where does a snowman keep his money?

A. In a snow bank.



Q. Why do mummies like Christmas so much?

A. Because of all the wrapping!
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: "Will people have money when communism is built?"

We're answering: "Some will, some will not."



This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: "Is it possible to build communism in America?"

We're answering: "It's possible, but who will we buy grain from?"



This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: "When the final phase of socialism, na
Tom was invited to his friend's house for dinner. He found that his buddy called his wife every cute name in the book: honey, darling, sweetheart, pumpkin, and baby. When she was in the kitchen, he leaned over to his friend and said, "I think it's nice you still call your wife all those pet names." "To tell you the truth," his friend said, "I forgot her name abut three years ago."
An elderly woman went to her local doctor's office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied,

"I'd like to have some birth control pills."



Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?"



The woman replied, "They help me sle
The woman was in bed with her lover and had just told him how stupid her Irish husband was when the door was thrown open and there stood her husband. He glared at her lover and bellowed, "What are you doing?" "There," said the wife, "didn't I tell you he was stupid?"
As a new bride,Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch. She put a shoe boxon a shelf in her closet and asked her husband NEVER to touch it.



For fifty years Uncle Jack left the boxalone until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order,he found the boxagain and thought it might hold something important. Opening it,he found two doilies and $
Jewish and Chinese Pilots.



A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain.



His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.



Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'



'N
Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The 1st blonde said,"These look like deer tracks,"and the other one said , " No,they look like moose tracks". They argued until the train hit them.
Q: What vegetable might you find in your basement?

A: Cellar-y!



Q: What is brown, hairy, and wears sunglasses?

A: A coconut on vacation



Q: What kind of vegetable is the most likely to be a rock and roll fan?

A: An ear of corn!

Q: What does corn say when it feels embarrassed?

A: "Aw, shucks!"



Q: Why is it not wise to tell secrets in a cornfield?

A: There are too many ears!

Q: Why d
Angry Doctor
Is this real?
Knock Knock!

Who's there?

Pudding

Pudding who?

Pudding in your face!



Knock Knock

Who's there?

Snow

Snow who?

Snow business like show business!



Knock knock!

Who's there?

Hanna

Hanna who?

Hanna partridge in a pear tree!



Knock knock!

Who's there?

Holly

Holly who?

Holly-days are here again!
Jim was speeding along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Eric?" Jim asked. "Well didn't you know, Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Eric. "Ah, praise God!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.



Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.



The lawyer said that getting a divorce could depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:



"Have you any grounds"? "Yes, an acre and half an