There was a guy who bought an elderly circus elephant. As he couldn’t afford to feed it, he started a contest. He had never seen an elephant jump with all 4 feet off the ground. Entry for the contest was 10 dollars, and the first person to get the elephant to jump with all 4 feet off the ground would get 50,000 dollars.
A man walks into a bar. Everything in this bar is golden. After drinking so hard he stumbles into what he thinks is the toilet and there’s even a golden urinal.
The man goes home and tells his wife about this place and she isn’t convinced. So in the morning she phones the bar and says,
A young man went to his grandfather’s place to stay for the weekend. He was sitting down to lunch when he noticed that the spoons and forks were not so clean. He asked his grandfather,
“Are you sure you washed it properly?”
Little Steward came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought it was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.
“Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.”
One day a drunk man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a shot of rum and a beer. Then he asks for another. The bartender asks,
“Have you got money?”
“No,” tells the drunk man, “but I’m hurting so bad that I’ll do anything for another round…”
One day when a blond went horseback riding she had a near-death experience.
Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on but was thrown off.
A man entered a pet shop to buy a monkey. The shop owner pointed to 3 identical looking monkeys on a perch and said,
“The monkey on the left costs 500 dollars.”
George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk, he offers question time. One little boy raises his hand and Bush asked,
“What is your name?”
The wife wanted a new car and knowing her birthday was coming up shortly, she said to her husband,
“Buy me a surprise for my birthday!” she said, “Something that accelerates from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds. I would prefer a blue one!”
A politician was dating a film actress for a few months. He finally decided to marry. But being suspicious, he hired a private detective to look into her antecedents and find out if she had any previous affairs with men.
A drunk man walks into a bar. He seats on a stool and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely refuses the man and suggests getting a cab for him. The drunk is surprised. He climbs down of the barstool and staggers out of the bar.
A: Hey, what are you doing?
B: Hi, I’m improving the app. I removed all the bad code from it.
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu
Tourist: $5 Broiled Missionary $15.00;
An Israeli doctor says, “Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.”
A German doctor says, “That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.”
After many rounds of, “We don’t know if Osama bin Laden is still alive”, Osama decided to send Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive.
Bush opened the letter and it contained a line of coded message, “370H-SSV-0773H” Bush was puzzled, so he emailed it to Condoleezza Rice.
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